what doesn't kill you makes you stronger...

Over the past four years I have been suffering from depression, and lately it has been getting much worse and much harder to manage.  I try really hard to regulate my emotions but most of the time the sadness is overwhelming me before I even realize what's making me so upset.  I don't feel like myself anymore; I don't enjoy things like I used to.
The worst part about my depression is that I feel like I have no control over myself.  I have a hard time sitting still in one place for too long. I have become introverted and socially awkward.  I wander aimlessly trying to find a place to fit in and just be comfortable with myself.  It gets harder every day for me to get out of bed; but if I don't I just lay there and cry and tell myself mean lies that just keep me in my funk even longer.
In my moments where the pain is gone and I am not overwhelmed I can actually think clearly and I realize that I am telling myself lies and that I'm keeping myself back.  Although I can't regulate my emotions I have been trying new things that help me get back on track so I can be a little more mindful instead of feeding the pain.  When I start crying I start writing all the good things I know that I am.  At first it kind of felt like I was lying to myself to make me feel better; and then it started working and I started feeling better.  As I read through the list again I realized that I had no reason to cry; and the good things about me aren't lies.
I am a very strong person, even when I feel weak.  I don't deserve the feelings of pain and sadness that are controlling my life right now and I know somewhere within me I have the strength to overcome it.  I know I'm deserving of love and happiness and I know that I am a very special person.  Anyone would be very lucky to have me in their lives because I am a loyal and honest person.  I would never hurt anyone that I loved and I expect the same respect in return.
Maybe the problem with knowing what you want is that things rarely go according to plan.  Things aren't always as black and white as I like to think they are.  There are a lot of gray areas that I need to start looking into.  Maybe that's where the happiness I've been missing is hiding.  I need to branch out.  Recreate myself.  Find what has been working and what is not working and get rid of the weight that is bringing me down the most.  Nothing is mean to be permanent anyways.  The only thing that I know will last forever is a photograph.  It captures a moment in time that you can never go back to.  If I could capture photographs of everything that makes me happy and everything I love and create it into a book I could always have a reminder of what used to make me happy and the different ways I change and evolve.
Change needs to happen.  If my life stayed how it is now I am certain I would die at a young age.  Now is my time to change; and I wont delay or procrastinate.  I have many outlets I can use and many things I can try to make me happy that I have been testing lately. I would do anything to be happy and I am willing to try any method that is suggested.
Some of the things I have been trying include writing and photography.  Two creative outlets that bring me joy and I feel some level of confidence in my abilities doing them.  I have hope that my therapy and DBT sessions will bring me some peace of mind and help me regulate my emotions effectively.  I have been smoking weed, but strangely I have the feeling that the herbal approach of medication is just as ineffective to me as any other medicinal coping mechanisms.

 

If anyone has any good advice or tips for me to try I am wide open to trying anything.  I know it may seem like I am whining, but anyone who has depression know how hopeless it feels to feel like no one understands and to feel alone through this.  I know it's all relative.  I know my problems aren't the worst that someone can face; but nevertheless they are problems and I need help solving them.  Please help me if you have any ideas.  Thank you.