powerful words

I love quotes.  I feel like there is a quote to describe everything; you just have to search for them.  Someday I hope that there will be a famous quote from me.  Maybe it will be taken from this blog?  You never know...
Lately I have been feeling lonely and misunderstood.  I know my friends and family mean well and want to help; but since they aren't in my position, in my shoes, feeling my feelings it's got to be hard for them to say the things I need to hear.  Another reason I love quotes is because I can usually find one that I can relate to.  I had never thought about searching for quotes on depression, but I found a few today that I think really relate to my life right now, and maybe would help enlighten anyone else who is struggling with depression or has a loved one going through it.  Please take the time to read a few of these.

"A lot of people don't realize that depression is an illness. I don't wish it on anyone, but if they would know how it feels, I swear they would think twice before they just shrug it."

-Jonathan Davis-
"Depression can seem worse than terminal cancer, because most cancer patients feel loved and they have hope and self-esteem."
-David D. Burns-

"There are wounds that never show on the body that are deeper and more hurtful than anything that bleeds."

-Laurell K. Hamilton-

"When you're lost in those woods, it sometimes takes you a while to realize that you are lost. For the longest time, you can convince yourself that you've just wandered off the path, that you'll find your way back to the trailhead any moment now. Then night falls again and again, and you still have no idea where you are, and it's time to admit that you have bewildered yourself so far off the path that you don't even know from which direction the sun rises anymore."
-Elizabeth Gilbert-

(This one is especially meaningful to me.  I never heard about it described this way, but after reading this quote it explains everything perfectly.)

 "I don't want to see anyone. I lie in the bedroom with the curtains drawn and nothingness washing over me like a sluggish wave. Whatever is happening to me is my own fault. I have done something wrong, something so huge I can't even see it, something that's drowning me. I am inadequate and stupid, without worth. I might as well be dead."

 -Margaret Atwood- 

I feel like people always think I'm over reacting and being dramatic or searching for pity when I share things like this with them.  It makes me want to keep it bottled up even more so when I feel that reaction.  Maybe it's just my mind on the defense.  I have a hyped up fight or flight response inside of me, I know that.  Reading things like this really helped me in a strange way.  I know I'm not alone.  People really feel the way that I do and people suffer just like I do.  I'm not comforted by their pain; but I'm comforted to feel like I'm not so alone.  If only I actually knew these people.  I might try to contact some of these people and see if they may be willing to talk to me.  I already have a therapist, but it never hurts to have one more person to talk to.  Especially when they understand what you are going through; not only understand but can relate.  

Now it's time for some meditation before bed.  Tomorrow is going to be a rough one.  Hopefully I can make it through with a smile, even though I'd rather stay in bed and sleep.  Silly, but at least I'm honest, right? 

akayla faith

Akayla Faith 

 

 

We have been together since August 28th 2009; the day I adopted her from the Oregon Humane Society.  I have always loved dogs, and I used to go visit the Humane Society just to look at them and wish I could have one again someday.  One day I was down there and I was looking through all the kennels, not anymore serious about taking one home with me then I was before and I saw Akayla in the second set of kennels and I just knew that she was supposed to be my dog. 

I was living at a place where the landlords had previously told me I couldn't have a dog, so I tried to be sneaky and have a friend pretend to be my landlord.  I even asked my dad who told me I didn't need a dog (now guess who loves Akayla as if she were his own and has given him more nicknames than I have.)  I ended up just giving in and calling my landlord, ready to beg and plead and argue my way to victory; the conversation was pretty short though, he just said yes, as if there had never been a problem with dogs in the first place.  I was so overjoyed I went to pick her up right away. 
The Humane Society told me many things about Akayla, and she proved most of them wrong.  She is not a cat-killer; on the contrary her best friend is my big, dumb, Maine Coon, Andrew.  She wants to be friends with every cat she sees.  The cats don't see it that way, but you can see in her eyes that she wouldn't ever hurt them.  It's been so long since I have read her paper work.  But I remember reading it about a year and a half ago when I moved back home with my dad and the things they wrote about her (by her previous owner I assumed) made me laugh.  She was not the terrorist that they had made her out to be.  She was misunderstood and obviously paired up with a human that was not meant to be her human.  I am at least Akayla's third owner, and I don't understand how anyone could have bared to part with her.  I know that I will be fighting it and a terrible mess the day I have to say goodbye to her.  But for right now I just want to make sure she has the best life possible.  And I think that is exactly what I have given her. 

The first night I brought her home I was pretty sure I had made a mistake.  She jumped out the window and chased a cat in the mere thirty minutes I had run down the street to say hello to my friend for his birthday.  I had a little bit of a struggle with her at first because she had really bad separation anxiety.  I was frustrated at first, but the more we bonded to each other the better I understood her.  It became hard for me to leave her too.  I have had severe depression for about 4 or 5 years now and I didn't realize the impact she was making in my life at that time.
Through the years she has become an extraordinary dog.  She is getting a little older now, but she doesn't seem to realize it yet.  I can see the signs of aging starting to effect her body, but it's not touching her spirit in the least.  Akayla gives me hope, and she keeps me in check, and she is a comfort to me that I can't find anywhere else right now. 
I'm so thankful to have my dog.  I really can't decide who saved who; all I know is that we are meant to be together. 

what doesn't kill you makes you stronger...

Over the past four years I have been suffering from depression, and lately it has been getting much worse and much harder to manage.  I try really hard to regulate my emotions but most of the time the sadness is overwhelming me before I even realize what's making me so upset.  I don't feel like myself anymore; I don't enjoy things like I used to.
The worst part about my depression is that I feel like I have no control over myself.  I have a hard time sitting still in one place for too long. I have become introverted and socially awkward.  I wander aimlessly trying to find a place to fit in and just be comfortable with myself.  It gets harder every day for me to get out of bed; but if I don't I just lay there and cry and tell myself mean lies that just keep me in my funk even longer.
In my moments where the pain is gone and I am not overwhelmed I can actually think clearly and I realize that I am telling myself lies and that I'm keeping myself back.  Although I can't regulate my emotions I have been trying new things that help me get back on track so I can be a little more mindful instead of feeding the pain.  When I start crying I start writing all the good things I know that I am.  At first it kind of felt like I was lying to myself to make me feel better; and then it started working and I started feeling better.  As I read through the list again I realized that I had no reason to cry; and the good things about me aren't lies.
I am a very strong person, even when I feel weak.  I don't deserve the feelings of pain and sadness that are controlling my life right now and I know somewhere within me I have the strength to overcome it.  I know I'm deserving of love and happiness and I know that I am a very special person.  Anyone would be very lucky to have me in their lives because I am a loyal and honest person.  I would never hurt anyone that I loved and I expect the same respect in return.
Maybe the problem with knowing what you want is that things rarely go according to plan.  Things aren't always as black and white as I like to think they are.  There are a lot of gray areas that I need to start looking into.  Maybe that's where the happiness I've been missing is hiding.  I need to branch out.  Recreate myself.  Find what has been working and what is not working and get rid of the weight that is bringing me down the most.  Nothing is mean to be permanent anyways.  The only thing that I know will last forever is a photograph.  It captures a moment in time that you can never go back to.  If I could capture photographs of everything that makes me happy and everything I love and create it into a book I could always have a reminder of what used to make me happy and the different ways I change and evolve.
Change needs to happen.  If my life stayed how it is now I am certain I would die at a young age.  Now is my time to change; and I wont delay or procrastinate.  I have many outlets I can use and many things I can try to make me happy that I have been testing lately. I would do anything to be happy and I am willing to try any method that is suggested.
Some of the things I have been trying include writing and photography.  Two creative outlets that bring me joy and I feel some level of confidence in my abilities doing them.  I have hope that my therapy and DBT sessions will bring me some peace of mind and help me regulate my emotions effectively.  I have been smoking weed, but strangely I have the feeling that the herbal approach of medication is just as ineffective to me as any other medicinal coping mechanisms.

 

If anyone has any good advice or tips for me to try I am wide open to trying anything.  I know it may seem like I am whining, but anyone who has depression know how hopeless it feels to feel like no one understands and to feel alone through this.  I know it's all relative.  I know my problems aren't the worst that someone can face; but nevertheless they are problems and I need help solving them.  Please help me if you have any ideas.  Thank you.

another year coming down to an end

I've never been good at New Years Resolutions; I always forget about them, or give up on them.  Maybe January just isn't my month to start changing my life around?  As this year is coming to it's end I find myself reflecting on the last few months and how crazy and messy this year has been; I'm honestly glad to say goodbye to 2011 as these final months fly by me.  Yes, it's only September, but going back to school, working almost full time and having the holidays coming up on top of that it's about to get really busy and really hectic for me so I know these next few months will fly by fast.  I'm so ready for a change; and I fear that if I wait for 2012 to hurry up and get here... I might just go crazy...
 And I mean it, I fear that I am going crazy sometimes.  This year has been a whirlwindy, up and down, scary rollercoaster ride for me; I wont get into details...  I was recently diagnosed with Depression, which I'm sure many of my fellow Portlandians can sympathize with.  Times are tough right now; and I feel like some of the people, places, and things in my life are making my life tougher; I'm not pointing fingers or placing blame, it just is what it is.  I have always loved the quote :

I'm going to be the change I want to see in my own life.  I don't want to be depressed and upset all the time.  Now is the time for me to rise above.  I know enough about the brain that by altering things in my life that I can control I can retrain my brain not to keep going down this destructive path, further into this sickness.  I have good days and bad days.  The good days are awesome and I feel like I can do anything; but the bad days are always coming, and I just have to keep preparing myself with tools to fight the battle.  Tools to help me break away from these stories I tell myself, stories that I get so lost in, so I can come back to reality and work on getting back to my good days.  Tools like sticking up for myself when I need to, meditation, yoga, mindful practices, healthy diet, compassionate communication, education & inspiration, and all around wholesomeness. 

Wish me luck.  :)

a devoted collector of a beloved story.

My love for L. Frank Baum's classic story The Wizard of Oz started when I was a young girl.  As a child I would spend literally hours and hours watching my VHS tape of the movie; and as embarrassing as it is to admit I just recently read the entire novel.  My love for the characters, songs, and the story-line in general is still as strong to this day and I will forever hold a special spot in my heart for The Wonderful Wizard of Oz.

My family has generously assisted me in my ever-growing collection of the story's memorabilia.  I'm a proud owner of many, many books; various versions of the film, snow globes,  figurines, dolls, stuffed animals, etc.  Being a true book lover at heart, I have to admit that my most prized possessions are my books.  Although most of the collection is in storage and I have no idea how many copies of the books I own, I would venture to say I own over a dozen of the Oz books.

 

People have many different ways to express their love and passion for things that impact their lives.  I have decided recently to express my eternal love for this classic story through body art.  That's right, ink me up Adam.  (The best tattoo artist in Portland; Adam from Anatomy Tattoo.)  I am on a steadfast search for just the right artwork to incorporate into a very unique and original sleeve.  It's perfect for me.  So says I.  :)  Wish me luck!

says who?

Says me; Ashley. 

I'm a crazy, animal loving, tree hugging, book reading, bike riding, adventuresome yogini...  to say the very least.  I'm 24 years old and have lived in Oregon my entire life, however I aspire to be an Alaskan in the near future.

I have three furry children.  Akayla Faith, my beautiful German Shepherd Dog and the source of pure happiness in my life.  Akayla is a goofball, but I know that my dog loves me more than she could love any other human being.  I rescued Akayla in August of 2009 from the Oregon Humane Society.  Since then we have been almost inseparable if I could help it.  She's the best dog in the world.  :)

Akayla and I hiking Beacon Rock.

I also have two cats with the funniest personalities; but they are completely opposite.  

Zelda; also known as Z-Cat, Honey B, Sherb, Hisster, Zelly, ZZ, and many more...  She is a feisty, sassy, petite little girl with Sorbet coloring.  She has enough attitude to take on a pack of coyotes, but no front claws to get the job done  She gets into more fights than I have ever seen a cat get into.  She likes to chase me around the house, and is currently training me to give her treats upon her command.  

Zelda, protecting Fort Z. 

(She has a thing for boxes and bags.)

The newest addition to the family is Andy Bernard.  (Yes, I like The Office.)  Andy B is not your average Maine Coon.  Without having any medical training, or seeing a doctor, I would venture to say that Andy might be a few cards short of a full deck.  He is the most loveable and sweet cat you will ever meet.  He's a big boy with a beautiful coat of fur.  Something just isn't right about my big, sweet dummy cat.  Regardless, I love him all the same.  And he is the perfect lap warmer; as soon as you sit down, Andy is ready to lay on your lap and get his pets.  

 I might seem a little obsessive over my pets, but I assure you I'm not.  I just like to share the things that make me happy with other people.  I'm going through a hard spot in my life right now, and these guys have been making me as happy as possible.  Sometimes I feel like just giving up and running away.  Three years ago I probably would have done just that.  But these guys are my family.  They would miss me, and eventually I would start to miss them too.  Sometimes the best thing to do when it gets hard and you want to run away is to push through the pain and enjoy what you have in life that makes you happy.